Instead of judging others, have clarity about what you want from your money, where you want to spend it and how you want to feel about it

I recently attended a wedding held by an extremely wealthy individual. In totality, seven receptions were held in different expensive venues across two cities. And on the wedding invitation, it was specifically stated that only blessings would be accepted, no gifts.

Clearly, the family spent a fortune on this celebration. To which a friend commented that he is not really surprised about such extravagance after seeing the ostentatious pre-wedding celebration of billionaire Mukesh Ambani’s son.

The point of this article is not about expensive weddings. It is about how we think about the money being splurged. A lot of people really do get upset at the “disgusting amount of money people spend on weddings”.

But what is really disgusting? The opulence? The fact that they can afford such an extravaganza with no debt? That they choose to flaunt their money? If yes, why does it irk people? Their money, their ambitions, their lifestyle. Who are we to decide how people must spend their wealth?

Let me try to put this across as objectively as possible to enable us to understand and improve our relationship with money.

Admit To The Hypocrisy

There are many individuals or families that are much lower down the economic strata, from where we are positioned. How would we like it if they judged us for our lifestyle?

Imagine them commenting on the amount of money we waste on Swiggy and Zomato, or why we feel the need to eat in slick restaurants, and the amount of money spent in cafes and coffee shops, and the need to buy expensive crockery when a simple dinner set will do the job. Most of us would react unpleasantly if someone dared to comment on it. After all, it is our money, and we get to choose the lifestyle it will support.

Yet, we have no qualms on meting out the same judgement to others who are above our social standing, or those who are from the same economic class as us, but choose to be more extravagant.

Reserve The Judgement

When billionaire Mark Cuban bought a private jet for $40 million, he was clear on why he desired it. He has always said that the asset he values most is time, and that purchase bought him time. “It is obviously brutally expensive, but time is the one asset we simply don’t own. It saves me hours and hours,” Cuban once said in an interview with Men’s Journal. To him, the most important things in life are family and time. And buying the jet enabled him to spend more time with family. Added to the fact that $40 million is a small percentage of his net worth, it seems perfectly reasonable.

All of us save money for a purpose. Money is not hoarded for the sake of it, but for what it can buy for us. It could be status, opulence, lifestyle, or convenience.

Basketball player LeBron James is said to be the first active National Basketball Association (NBA) player to become a billionaire.

So it was with great amusement I read about how he was called the “cheapest guy in the NBA”. It was because he refused to switch on data roaming on his cell phone and used it without Wi-Fi.

On the other hand, he is said to spend a minimum $1.5 million a year keeping his body in top form, according to an article in The Ringer, investing in nuanced health-promoting practices like cryotherapy and hyperbaric chambers. The player’s personal chefs and trainers help him adhere to a strict diet and routine. His desire is to achieve peak physical fitness and, therefore, his life and finances are architected around it. He is also a smart business owner. Warren Buffett has publicly complimented him on his “money mind”. What I admire is not whether he is cheap or stingy or extravagant. But the fact that he knows exactly where he wants to spend his money and how he wants to feel about it. That clarity is powerful.

Understand Your Complexities

The way we spend and manage our money is individualistic. It is shaped by our experiences, upbringing, emotions, how we view the society, and our religious beliefs.

We may feel absolutely no guilt at buying a bag that sets us back by many thousands, but we will hold back from replacing the worn-out upholstery at home. We may enjoy blowing up money at a restaurant and running a gigantic bill, but will not pay more than 5 per cent as a restaurant tip, despite a great service.

Our relationship with money is complex and emotional and gets manifested in various ways. Instead of expending energy judging others, we should work on resolving our own money issues.

Decide What You Want Your Money To Do For You

Each of us want something from life.

• There is no right and wrong.
• There is no good and bad.
• There is no normal and absurd.

Getting clear about what really matters to you is incredibly important, and not as simple as it appears. Don’t follow the desires of another. What makes them feel rich and fulfilled is not the same for you. You may love to spend on one extravagant holiday every 18 months. Another may prefer two short breaks in a year. A third may not be interested in travelling at all. Some may get immense fulfilment from helping others. Others may prefer living it up every weekend.

I often like to give this example. Imagine children at a party playing with balloons. One child suddenly grabs a red balloon and yells: “This balloon is mine!” Inadvertently, all the children drop their balloons and fight over this red balloon. A very dumbed down example of what French historian René Girard calls “mimetic desire.” A lot of our desires don’t emerge from within, but from “outside”. We import our most powerful desires from imitating the desires of other people. So deep is mimetic desire we are unaware that it is truly not our own but of others. In fact, the entire advertising industry is founded on the exploitation of borrowed desire.

In other words, we desire according to the desire of others. So we want to eat at the right restaurants because that is where everyone else wants to eat. And wear a particular brand because it screams “status”. If we are not aware, others influence us on what to desire. And this is amplified on social media platforms which are excellent conduits of mimetic desire.

Finally…

It takes courage to stand apart and  not be swayed by what someone else is doing, and honest about your desires. Someone else’s pleasures and material items may not bring you happiness. What fulfils them may not be your cup of tea. So, follow your heart. It gives freedom to live life on your terms. After all, it is your money and your life.

By Larissa Fernand, Behavioural Finance Expert