Money issues can cause immense strife and discord among partners, and fights can get very nasty. Communicate from the very start so that problems don’t crop up later
In February, people across the world get caught up in Valentine’s Day theatrics. To some, it’s a day to express their love, and they look forward to it. In others, it also evokes a lot of angst.
This got me thinking about love and money, and so, I approached a bunch of people with one open-ended query: “Can you share a perspective on finances in a marriage?” They included a widow, a divorcee, newly-wed, married for decades, no children, with children, an inter-faith couple, some where the husband was the sole bread winner, and some where both were employed.
There were three responses that startled me. The source of the friction did not come due to the spending or saving habits of each partner, but from outside influences.
“If any gift of a considerable monetary value is given, especially by close relatives, the couple must ensure that there are no strings attached as to how it is used; the couple needs to have full freedom to decide how to deploy those funds,” said Nitya. “In-laws and others should never be involved in a couple’s financial issues,” she added.
Clearly, I had touched a raw nerve.
Abraham had a similar view. “Marriage is a partnership, and the severance of the umbilical cord is necessary. Financial support for parents is an obligation and a value we cherish, but that doesn’t mean that parents have complete control over their child’s finances and make demands.”
Laila emphasised: “It is important that in-laws on either side are not clued into detailed financial issues of the couple. I always made my spouse aware that I have to help my parents, and I never gave any money without his knowledge. If there was any disagreement, we thrashed it out before making the final decision. We never involved parents in this discussion.”
Money issues can cause immense strife and discord among partners. The fights can get nasty and frequent. Don’t let it escalate to such a level. Communicate from the very start so that problems don’t crop up later.
Setting Boundaries
The first is to set boundaries from outside interference. The couple should make the final call about their money. They should also bring their obligations to the table, such as helping parents, or a sibling in their education or wedding.
Be open about your monetary obligations, because this would require money being pulled away from the nuclear family towards the extended family. So, discuss and listen to your spouse’s view. Listen to their fears.
The second boundary is on the amount of expenditure. “My Money” became “Our Money” is how Ramsingh put it. I found this interesting because his wife is a homemaker. “All of a sudden, I had the responsibility to check with my spouse before spending. I did this because I realised that it averts arguments and mistrust, and I also view this marriage as a partnership in every sense of the word,” he says.
The way out: Have a threshold limit below which no one cares how much is spent. You will have to come up with that figure depending on your situation. The issue is not to operate under secrecy; you don’t want to break another’s trust.
Money As A Bonding Factor
Ranjana mentioned how her partner’s Swiggy and Zomato expenses dropped drastically when he was without a job for a few months. They re-evaluated their expenses so that they could channelise their money into what they really wanted, and so, rather than ordering food online, almost daily, they began visiting a restaurant once a week where they go to enjoy the experience—either with friends or by themselves.
I really liked the way this couple ensured that they didn’t let things escalate into a contentious issue. They managed it by changing the narrative. They worked on a shared vision of what they wanted their marriage to be. Money, instead of becoming the bone of contention, had now become an enabler in creating great memories.
Don’t Be Afraid To Take Help
There was one response that baffled me. Ravi explained: “Money is an extremely sensitive issue and can bring about a huge dent in relationship. So, the couple need to be honest and open. We share our views on how much to spend on a purchase or a holiday before we spend it. We talk till we are in agreement.”
That sounds about right. But what left me in disbelief was that I know of a couple who are in debt due to complete mismanagement of their money. They should have availed of the services of a financial planner and not taken the “we know it all” route. A big lesson here: Both can be in agreement and both can be wrong.
I also know of another couple in their late 40s, in debt, and with barely any savings. You realise the value and wisdom of a differing opinion.
Be Open To Change
Varun shared with me how he changed his perspective. “When I looked down from my high-rise apartment at the slums below and saw families surviving on an entire year with what I earn in a month, I believed that money should be the last on the list of any married couple’s happiness agenda,” he says. Then his wife quit her well-paying job to become a mother; the income dropped, and expenses shot up.
“I could not believe how expensive raising a child could be on one salary. From feeding, clothing and entertaining, our own finances took a backseat. Spending on getting the child a haircut became way more important than buying a new pair of shoes for myself,” he says.
That’s when they began to track their monthly expenses, and put aside money for investing, and live within the rest. They cut down on some expenses and budgeted for what they both wanted to indulge in. He is now earning well; his wife is a stay-at-home mother; he has one child, and money is not an issue.
Collaborate
You may be very happy, but that doesn’t mean you agree on all things.
Sheryl had a very matter-of-fact approach on this aspect. She said she entered the marriage knowing that both will have very different views on spending. But what she was not prepared for was how petty it could get. “My husband could never understand why I spent so much at the salon—to get a pedicure or hair spa. I told him I could never understand how an expensive beer or premium alcohol is a necessity,” she said.
Since both were earners, they decided to have two individual accounts and one joint account. There is complete honesty in how much each earns. They both contribute to the joint account to manage the house. This way, their “private quirks” are not a source of angst.
If you are planning on getting married, have a detailed conversation about monetary obligations with the family and current debt being serviced. Broach the subject before marriage, and be honest. The consequences of not doing so are often overlooked and can be disastrous.
(Names changed for privacy).
By Larissa Fernand, writes on the mindset of investors and their relationship with money